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Next High Holidays
10th of Tevet Fast
10th of Tevet Fast, this year will be on Tuesday, January 6, 2009. A
Fast Day to remember the day when the Babylonians first laid siege
to Jerusalem 2,500 years ago, beginning a long line of disasters for the Jewish people.
Classified
Children Jokes
Business is business
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I will give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived".
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher smiled and said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Andrew." But the teacher replied, "So sorry Angus, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
And the teacher said, "Absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and take your $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I know it is Moses, but business is business."
Moses behind enemy lines
Ten year old Mikey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Vacation Bible School.
"Well, Mommy, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead His Chosen People out of Egypt.
When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then he used his cell phone to call headquarters for reinforcements.
They called in an air strike of the Israeli Air Defense to take out the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Mikey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
School problems
A Jewish kid is sent to a Jewish school by his parents.
After two weeks he is kicked out for fighting and laziness.
So his parents raise the money and send him to a private school. However, after two weeks he is kicked out for fighting and laziness.
Having no choice, the parents send the kid to a public school. However, after just one week he is suspended for fighting, lateness and laziness.
His parents feel terrible. What to do, what to do! Finally they decide there is only one thing more they can do.
So they enroll him in a Catholic school.
Weeks go by and the boy is still in school. In fact, he has good grades and the nuns speak well of him.
His parents are amazed. They ask the kid, “How is it you got kicked out of Jewish school, out of private school and out of public school but you don’t get kicked out of Catholic school?”
“You should see,” says the kid, “what they have hanging on the wall.”
Moishe, the Running Deer
Moishe, a Yeshiva boy, graduates highschool and is about to go to college. He was born and lived in Brooklyn his entire life but he gets a full scholarship to the Univ. of Montana and it is such a generous deal that his parents, who would prefer to keep him in Brooklyn forever, let him go. Six months go by and they have not heard from him. They are frantic. They call the dorm and are told that he doesn't live there anymore. They call the Registrar who says that he is no longer enrolled. They are about to fly to Montana when a letter comes from Moishe: "Dear Mother, Dear Father, Sorry I have been so negligent but I met the most wonderful girl and we plan to marry. That is why I dropped out of school. Little Feather is a Native American, a princess in her tribe, and her father is the Chief. He has made me a member of the tribe. I had to leave school because of the nonsense they teach about Native Americans - the lack of respect, the distortions of history. But now I understand things better. I have decided to take a Native American name which the Chief helped me decide. From now on please call me Running Deer. I will NOT answer correspondence addressed to Moishe."
A few days later he gets a reply:
"Dear Running Deer. Your dad and I are pleased that you have finally found a woman to love and that you are happy on the reservation. We regret that she is not Jewish but to celebrate your new love and upcoming marriage we also have decided to take Native American names...
I am now SITTING SHIVA!"
In a hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"
The first kid says, "a circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
50th anniversary
Couple are nearing their 50th wedding anniversary.
The husband calls his son in a distant city and tells him that they are getting a divorce.
“Don’t do that!” shouts the son. “Do nothing until I get there.”
The son then calls his sister in yet another city.
She calls her father. “Don’t get a divorce!” she cries. “Do nothing until I get there.”
The old father hangs up and says to mother, “Well, they didn’t come for Pesach and they didn’t come for Rosh Hashana, but I got them to come for our 50th anniversary.”
BIG trouble
There were two young brothers, 6 and 8 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed. The mother went to the rabbi and made her request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi.
The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is G-d?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing.
Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is G-d?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is G-d?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. G-d is missing and they think we did it !"
