A good Jewish son

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room?

My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street, five sessions a week.

And what does he talk about? Me."

My son the thespian

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been

given a part in the school play. "Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his

mother.

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother

scowls "That's terrible. Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking

part."

The wrong number

Moishe: Hallo, mom, how are you?

Mom: Very well, thanks!

Moishe: Oh, sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number!

It was delicious!

A Jewish man lives on the opposite coast from his mother and is feeling guilty about not visiting her for a long time, so on her birthday he decides to get her a special gift.
He goes to the local pet store and buys a parott that can speak 4 different languages. It costs $10,000.
He has the bird shipped to his mother so that it arrives on the morning of her birthday.
That evening he calls his mother to wish her a happy birthday:
"So ma - what did you think of the bird?" he asks.
His mother replies:
"It vas delicious!"

Away from home

A French Jewish man rings at home after being away from his parents for 5 years.

Daniel -Hallo mum, it's me Daniel. I am Coming back home. Do you still have some room for me?

Mum - Oh Daniel, don't worry we still have your bedroom.

Daniel - Mum, actually I got married, but she is not Jewish.

Mum - Ah Daniel, she must be very good if she is not Jewish.

Daniel- Mum, actually she is a black American woman and we have also one kid. Do you still have a place for us?

Mum - Don't worry the kid is taking your bedroom, you and your wife will take our bedroom and dad will sleep on the sofa.

Daniel - Mum, and you? Where you will be sleeping?

Mum - Don't worry about me, as I hang up I will die.

My son.....

An old Jewish woman is standing by the riverbank..

She shouts out: "Help, help"...

A passer-by says: "What's the problem?"

She explains: "My son.....the lawyer...is drowning"...

The President of USA

A jewish woman was ellected to be the presdient of the USA.

She calls her mother to tell her the good news: "mom I just won the ellections, i'm going to be the president, will u come to the ceremony?"

The mother: "umm... I don't know, I have nothing to wear..."

The daughter: "MOM! i'll send u a dress!"

The mother: "I don't know... I only eat kosher food..."

The daughter: "It's ok mom, i'm gonna be the president, you'll get your kosher food!"

The mother:" But how will I get there?"

The daughter: "GOD mom, i'll send a limo, just be there.."

At the ceremony the mother sits down... first thing she does is stick an elbow to the guy next to her saying: "you see that woman over there with one hand over the bible?... her brother's a doctor!

The "Love Dress"

A woman stopped by at her son's house,rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law on the couch,totally naked. Soft music was playing,and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
What was a nice Jewish girl like her doing lounging around naked?? she thought....
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law said.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress" she explained. "It excites him no end.Every time he sees me in this dress,he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered,sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

The Sweaters

A Jewish mother sends her son a red sweater and a blue sweater for Channukkah.

He is soon going to visit her but can't figure out which sweater to wear. Having become completely stressed, he finally chooses the blue sweater, puts in on, and heads for his mother's house.

She opens the door and instead of making sure he arrived alright, simply asks him, "What, you didn't like the red sweater?"

Grand Grandchildren

An elderly woman is sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting while her daughter-in-law gives birth. A while later, a doctor comes out.

"Mrs. Goldburg, I have wonderful news! Your daughter-in-law just gave birth to twins! A boy in a girl, they are perfectly healthy! Oh, Mazel Tov!"

Mrs. Goldburg turns to Mrs. Rubenstein, who is seated next to her. "Isn't it wonderful? And look at that, my daughter-in-law just gave birth to twins, and my son works at the Twin Towers!" said Mrs. Goldburg.

A while later, another doctor comes out and walks over to Mrs. Rubenstein, another woman waiting for her daughter-in-law to give birth.

"Mrs. Rubenstein, Mazel Tov! Your daughter-in-law just gave birth to triplets! They are beautiful and healthy, and your daughter-in-law is fine."

Mrs. Rubenstein turns to Mrs. Cohen who is seated next to her.

Mrs. Rubenstein says, "Can you believe it? My daughter-in-law just had triplets, and my son works at Triple-A!"

Mrs. Cohen gets up and and begins to gather her things. "I have to get out of here! My son works at Seven-Up!"

I don't like her

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I didn't like her."

Jewish Mother

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

Waiting for a call

A man calls his mother in Israel: "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

The other one

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah.

The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home,

instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You

didn't, like the other one?"

At the seaside

jewish woman and small son at the seaside. she says "Now don't go too far into the sea, hershel, stay safe." then a huge unexpected wave sweeps the kid out to sea. She cries out "Oh, mine Hershel, please save him God, if you save my hershie, I promise to keep the Rules, observe shabbas and never miss synagogue ever again, I promise to be a good Jew!!" So a huge wave appeared again and this time picked up the child and deposited him unharmed at his mother's feet. She looked down at him, then, turning her gaze heavenward, she says "God, when you took him the first time, he had a hat."

Apple Strudel

The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father's bedside.

His father is near death. Father: "Son."

Son: "Yes Dad."

Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is Mama making my favorite apple strudel?"

Son: "Yes Dad."

Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could just have one more piece of Mama's apple strudel. Would you get me a piece?"

Son: "OK, Dad."

Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.

Father: "Is that you son?" Son: "Yes Dad."

Father: "Did you bring the apple strudel?"

Son: "No Dad."

Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!" Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the strudel is for the Sheva!"

Mom visits

A young Jewish man moves out to the city to live in a studio apartment. Before he left his mom gave him 2 dress shirts as a going away gift. One was blue and one was cream colored.

His mother was very nervous and wouldn't stop calling him to ask thim to move back home from the "ghetto". The young man invited his mom over to dinner the next week in order to show her that the neighborhood was safe.

She arrived on time with dad and a shopping bag full of food (because she was sure he was starving).

When he opened the door his mom frowned. The young man was worried and asked, "Mom, what's wrong?"
She replied, "What's the matter, you didn't like the other shirt?"

Marry a rich doctor

A mother is preparing for the shabbat.

Her daughter surprises her

mother and bursts into the house. She has just returned from the peace corps.

"My darling," says the mother,"so tell me what's new?"

"I just got married." says the daughter.

"Mazel tov," says the mother. "So what's he like."

"He's standing on the porch. I'll let him in."

In walks a 6"4" black man with a bone through his nose, a feathered

headdress and a large spear in his right hand.

"Stupid, moron, idiot," yells the mother, "I told you to marry a RICH

doctor."

Three Jewish mothers

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

Promises

A grandmother is walking along the beach with her grandson, Jonah.
Suddenly, a giant wave wisks Jonah away! Immediately the grandmother goes to her knees and begins to pray: "Oh, G-d, please give Jonah back to me! I'll do anything, I'll go to the synagogue every day and pray, I'll volunteer there, oh I'll do anything! Just please give my grandson back to me!"
Once again a giant wave comes. With it comes Jonah, of course wet. The grandmother runs to him, gives him a quick hug, and looks up to the sky. Again she speaks to G-d: "Now, where's his cap?"

He's marrying a doctor!

Nadine, Joyce, and Sylvia are sitting on a park bench, talking about their children.

Slyvia: Well friends, I have good news and bad news.

Nadine: Nu?

Slyvia: My Michael called me up on the phone last night and told me he was gay.

Joyce: Oy, Slyvia, vey iz mir! And after all you did for him! You were such a wonderful mother. Don't blame yourself.

Nadine: Of course she was wonderful! So, nu? That's the bad news. Let's hear the good news?

Slyvia: Well ... he's marrying a doctor!

Missing yarmulke

Sarah was walking with her little son on the sea shore when suddenly a big wave came and swept away the boy. Sarah was very desperate and asked Adonai for help; she would be even more devoted to Him, serve him with even bigger enthusiasm. Suddenly a miracle happened, the big wave came back and threw the boy unharmed on the sand. Sarah
started kissing him,making sure he is alright, she sent a grateful prayer to Him and addede: "Ehm, but you know, Lord, he is still missing his yarmulke."