Angry Rabbi

Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."

"Why," asked the Rabbi.

"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."

"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."

"The food wasn't kosher."

"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.

"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."

"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"

"What, on Yom Kippur?"

The rabbi and the priest

A Rabbi and a Priest were crossing the street when a car came around the corner and knocked them both over .the priest got up and crossed himself thanking God that he was unharmed .the Rabbi got to his feet and crossed himself, the priest asked the Rabbi why are you crossing yourself? the Rabbi replied what crossing?I am just checking for spectacles,testicles vallet and vawtch.

When does life begin?

A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are asked the question "When does life begin?"

The priest says: "The moment of conception".

The vicar replies: "The moment of birth".

The rabbi replies: "The moment the kids are married and the mortgage has been paid off."

Rabbi Visits Monastery

As part of an ecumenical exchange, a rabbi is invited to an evening meal at a monastery.

After a delightful meal one of the monks stands up and says "281"

There are a few quiet giggles, then another stands up and says "356" Again more giggles.

Intrigued as to what is going on, the rabbi enquires of the abbot about what the numbers mean.

"Well" says the abbot, "we have been living together for so many years that know all each others jokes, so to save having to repeat them, we have given each of them a number, its simply a way of saving time."

"Why don't you have a go?" suggests the abbot.

So the rabbi stands up and says "2829"

All the monks suddenly collapse in fits of unrestrained laughter. Finally the abbot restrains himself with great difficulty.

The rabbi asks, "Why is my joke so funny?"

The monk replies "They havn't heard that one before!"

Heavenly Intervention

Mrs. Friedman, the third grade Hebrew teacher, needed some supplies from a supply cabinet that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. She didn't know the combination, and called Rabbi Weinstein to give it a try.

Rabbi Weinstein placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock.

Seeing how impressed Mrs. Friedman was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

Smoking & Studing

Two students of Talmud are arguing about question if they can smoke and read Talmud at the same time. First one goes to rabbi and asks him: Is it allowed, my rabbi, to smoke during reading of Talmud ? Of course nay ! In no case, my son. Rabbi answers. But another of students did not accept that answer. He said to his school-fellow thas his question was not right and goes to rabbi too. Is it allowed, my rabbi, to read Talmund during smoking ? Asks he and rabbi answers: Of course, yes, my son. In any case.

After death wishes

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."

Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Oh look! He's moving!"

Car crash

A rabbi and a priest get into a car crash. It is a horrible wreck and both cars are totaled.

The rabbi gets out and says the priest "I think God wanted us to meet together and talk"

Priest "It would appear that way"

The rabbi says "just one minuet" and goes to the back of his car. After pulling a bottle of wine miraculously in pristine condition out of his trunk, he hands the bottle to the priest saying "I think God wanted us to come and have a drink together"

After the priest takes a heavy drink he tries to hand the bottle back to the rabbi, but the rabbi says "No, I think I'll just wait in my car for the cops."

Nine happy people

It’s Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is in deep conversation with his friend.

"I must tell you something, Moshe," he says, "I made nine people very, very happy today."

"A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah," says Moshe, "but tell me­ how did you manage to achieve this?"

"I performed four marriage ceremonies in my synagogue this afternoon," replies Rabbi Levy.

Moshe is puzzled. "I can see how you made eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?"

"Do you really believe I did all this for free?" replies Rabbi Levy.

Superman

A priest asked his good friend, a Rabbi, to help him out with the Easter services. It was a service for the deaf, and it would all be in sign language.

The Rabbi agreed, and he went with the priest to the church. Quickly the priest taught the Rabbi the signs.

The new Superman movie had just been released into theaters, and deaf children had made up a sign for Superman, which was very simular to Jesus rising from the dead.

The Rabbi was doing fine, until it was time to sign Jesus coming back from the dead. He made the sign, and suddenly kids began to laugh. And they all began to sign with the Rabbi.

The priest walked over to the Rabbi to see how he was doing, and he immediately reconized the Superman sign from the children in his neighborhood. He asked the Rabbi, "What's going on?"

The Rabbi replied, "They're in the holiday spirit!"

The board voted

The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

He says, "Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"

Shabbat rules

saturday morning at rabbi rozenberg's house and little shmu is standing out in the garden picking his nose.his father,a observant man, says to the boy,

"why are you breaking the command not to work on shabbat?"

the boy replies,

"what do you mean?"

"no digging!"

Father Kelly

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes.

Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.

"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"

Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

Traffic accident

A wise old Rabbi was crossing the road when he was struck by a speeding car. He was lying there in a pool of blood when up rushed an Irish Catholic Priest, who cradled the Rabbi's head in his lap and asked "me boy, do youse believe in God de Father, God de Son and God de Holy Ghost"? The Rabbi opened one eye and exclaimed, "I'm dying and he asks me riddles"!

Army of HaShem

Jack was coming out of shul one day, and the rabbi was standing at

the door ashe always did to shake hands.

The rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of HaShem!"

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of HaShem, Rabbi."

The rabbi questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Rosh

Hashanah and Yom Kippur?!"

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

V'ochalta V'ochalta

Reuven colden'[t stop eating as much has he would eat he would never get full, One day he desided it's getting ot of hand so he came to the rabbi and compblaint, The rabbi responded check your mezuzah's, He came back and claimed there wasn't any mistake so the rabbi told him to check your tefilin. Reuven comkes back to the rabbi and reports that on the posuk that says V'ochalto V'sovota it said V'ochalto V'ochalta!

Stolen watch

Sammy has stolen the rabbi's gold watch.

He didn't feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night.

to go to the rabbi.

'Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.'

'But Sammy ! That's forbidden! You should return it immediately !'

'What shall I do ?'

'Give it back to the owner.'

'Do you want it ?'

'No, I said return it to its owner.'

'But he doesn't want it.'

'In that case, you can keep it.'

Buying a car

A priest and a rabbi carpool every day and eventually decide to buy a car together. They park the car in-between the Church and the synagogue. One day as the rabbi looks out the window he sees the priest sprinkling water on the car. He goes outside and asks the priest what he is doing. The priest replies that he is blessing the car. The rabbi agrees that this is a good thing to do and decides to bless it himself. Upon returning he cuts of the first two inches of the tail pipe.

The Masserati

A Jewish man buys a brand new Masserati. He loves the car so much that he wants to have it blessed by a rabbi.

He finds an Orthodox rabbi and asks him, "Rabbi, would you say a blessing over my new Masserati?" The rabbi thinks for a moment, looks at him strangely, and replies, "What's a Masserati?"

So the man finds a Conservative rabbi and asks him the same, "Rabbi, would you say a blessing over my new Masserati?" The rabbi thinks for a moment, looks at him strangely, and replies, "What's a Masserati?"

Nearly giving up all hope, the man finds a Reform rabbi and begs him, "Rabbi, would you say a blessing over my new Masserati?" The rabbi thinks for a moment, looks at him strangely, and replies, "What's a blessing?"

Angry Rabbi

Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."

"Why," asked the Rabbi.

"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."

"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."

"The food wasn't kosher."

"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.

"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."

"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"

"What, on Yom Kippur?"

The clergy and the barber

A priest,minister and a rabbi get a haircut at the same shop. The priest says thanks for the haircut, what do I owe you? Your a man of the cloth,no charge. Priest returns and gives the barber rosary beads. Minister has the same experience and returns with a new bible. Next the rabbi has the same experience and the next day he came back with another rabbi in need of a haircut.

Dedicate The New Car

A rabbi, a baptist pastor and a cathloic priest all get together and buy new cars. The baptist pastor decides he wants to dedicate his car to god so he drives the car into the river. The priest decides then to dedicate his car also. He dumps a bucket of water onto his. The rabbi then says "Well if those christian schmucks are doing this i guess i need to also." So he proceeds to saw off the tail pipe.

Ace Cards

One day, Rabbi and Ucrinian are going in the same room in the train. The Ucrainian says: "Hey, let's play cards.". "But we don't have cards" replays the Rabbi. "Don't worry" says the Ucrainian, "I have Bacon and you I see also something". "Yes, Matzah" says the Rabbi.

So they started to play, the Ucrainian throws bacon and says: "Bacon", the Rabbi throws little bit of Matza and says: "Ace Matzah" taking the bacon and eating it.

The Ucranian is sorpriezed and cuts a bigger bacon and says: "Ace Bacon". The Rabbi: "Takennnnn!".

Rabbi On The Bus

A Rabbi gets on a city hus. He doesn't see a seat open. He says to a woman...if you have what I have you'll give me your seat. The woman thinks a little and quietly gives her seat up.

The Rabbi sees a man on his cell phone...he says, if you have what I have you'll let me use your cell phone for a few minutes. The man looked confused but gives his cell phone to the Rabbi.

Finally the Rabbi goes up to the bus driver and says, if you have what I have... you'll stop the bus now to let me off!The Bus driver stops the bus as the Rabbi is getting off he says, Rabbi what is it that you have?

The Rabbi says.....Chutzpah!

Advertising

Abraham took his son to see the Rabbi to have him circumcised. Just as he was arriving, he met the Rabbi, who informed him that he couldn't oblige as he was just going on holiday and would be late for the plane. "However", said the Rabbi, "I have a friend in Hatton Garden, London, who can help you out". He gave him the address and off Abraham and son went. When they arrived at the address, they found it to be a shop, apparently selling clocks and watches. They went in and enquired of the owner if he was the person recommended by the Rabbi. "Yes, my son, that's what I do for a living", was the reply. Said Abraham, "if you perform circumcisions for a living, why do you have clocks and watches in your window"? Came the reply, "What you want I should put in the window?

The sinner

A man is dying and a rabbi comes to wish him off.

The rabbi sits next to him and says "Please my son give to me your confession of all your sins"

The man says "Well sir I've murdered, beaten my parents," he goes on to explain how he's broken all the commandments once or twice. When he finishes the rabbi asks "My son, you are jewish, vat vould make you, a nice charitable young man, commit these attrocities?" The man answers "Sir you want this to be written in stone, maybe?"

Barber Shop

One day a preist walks into a barber and asks for a hair cut. when the barber finished he the preist asked: how much do I oh you?

the barber replied: oh don't worry it's free.

the next day the barber opens the shop door and finds 3 bottles of wisky from the preist as a thanks.

on the second day a monk walks into a barber and asks for a hair cut. when the barber finished he the Monk asked: how much do I oh you?

the barber replied: oh don't worry it's free.

the next day the barber opens the shop door and finds 3 bottles of brandy from the Monk as a thanks.

on the third day a Rabbi walks into a barber and asks for a hair cut. when the barber finished he the Rabbi asked: how much do I oh you?

the barber replied: oh don't worry it's free.

the next day the barber opens the shop door and finds 3 rabbis standing outside his door for FREE haircuts.

When does life begin?

A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are asked the question "When does life begin?"

The priest says: "The moment of conception".

The vicar replies: "The moment of birth".

The rabbi replies: "The moment the kids are married and the mortgage has been paid off."

A Rabbi and the Pope

A Rabbi visiting Rome had the good fortune to have an audience with the Pope. While talking about things, the Rabbi noticed a red phone on the Pope's desk.

The Rabbi asks what the phone was for. The Pope informs him that it's a direct line to G-d.

The Rabbi askes if he can use it and the pope says of course but that he should leave $100 for the call. The Rabbi thank him and uses the phone.

A few months later, the Pope was visiting the US and makes sure to make a stop to visit his new Rabbi friend. While talking, the Pope notices a red phone on the Rabbi's desk.

The Pope asks if the phone is what he thinks it is and the Rabbi says of course. The Pope askes if he can use the phone and the Rabbi said that he may bt that he needed to leave $0.50 for the call.

The Pope was surpised and asked, "You use my phone and I ask you to leave $100 and, yet, when I use your phone I am to leave only $0.50. Why is that?"

The Rabbi smiled and replied, "Because here it is a local call."

Priest and a Rabbi

A Priest and a Rabbi were, by coincidence, sitting next to each other on a long flight.

About an hour passes and not a single word was exchanged by the two men. Finally, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, do you mind if I ask you a personal question"? The Rabbi said, "Of course, you may."

"I understand that many of you Jewish people, especially Rabbis, keep kosher and, as such, don't eat things like bacon or ham". The Rabbi acknowledged that. "Haven't you ever even tasted bacon or ham?", asked the Priest.

The Rabbi explained, "Many years ago, I was a visiting Rabbi in a small town in the middle of nowhere and found myself in a diner one Sunday morning. There was no one around so I ordered bacon and eggs. It was quite good but that was the only time that ever happened."

After some time, the Rabbi turned to the Priest and said, "Father, do you mind if you ask you a very personal question"? The Priest said OK.

"You Priests take an oath of celibacy, right"?, asked the Rabbi. "Why, yes", answered the Priest, wondering where this was going.

"Well, haven't you ever had sex since you've become as Priest"?, asked the Rabbi. The Priest looked about nervous, leaned toward the rabbi and answered very softly, "As a young parishioner I was approached by a troubled woman who was looking for my guidance. She was a beautiful, young woman and one thing led to another. So, yes, just once I had sex with a woman".

A few moments pass and the Rabbi leans over to the Priest and says, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?"

Oneupmanship

One sunny afternoon in New York, a priest was out shopping and he met, quite by chance, a vicar walking towards him. Naturally, they stopped to make polite conversation. As they were parting, the priest said to the vicar, "by the way, Vicar, before you go, my parishioners often say I look the image of Jesus Christ.... do you agree?" to which the Vicar scoffed"You.... look like our Lord? I can assure you, my parishioners have all agreed that I am the image of Jesus Christ."

Before they came to blows, a rabbi was walking towards them, and naturally stopped to speak to them. They explained their predicament, asking "which of us, do you think, Rabbi, is the image of Jesus Christ?" to which the Rabbi burst into shrieks of laughter.

"You?..... You?..... Neither of you" and continued to belly laugh. "As a matter of fact" he replied, "I KNOW I am the image of Jesus Christ.... and I can prove it!"

The priest and the vicar looked at each other in stunned silence. "Go on, then, prove it!" The rabbi said"Follow me." And away the three men went, walking through the main thoroughfare, down the backstreets and eventually arrived at a pretty seedy area.

Approaching one dingey property with a notice in the window offering "French Lessons on the Fourth Floor" the rabbi said, "Here we are, follow me." And up the rickety stairs the three men eventually arrived at a door with a little red light overhead.

The rabbi proudly thumped on the door and after a scuffle from inside, the door was opened by a blonde lady in a negligee to which she stared at the rabbi and proclaimed "Jesus Christ.... it's not you again!!!"