Gourmet food

Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.

An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"

"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."

"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."

"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."

"Anything else?"

"Yes, a dozen blintzes."

"No. No. You mean crepes."

"Okay, a dozen crepes."

"Anything else?"

"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."

"No. No. You mean pate."

"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."

"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"

Baby Powder

A n old lady who speaks no English, only Yiddish, goes into a department store looking to buy some baby powder. She can't find any -

but suddenly spots a sales clerk wearing a kippa. "Yunger mann, kum aher" she calls ."Vu fint m'n der bebbe pooder? "

The sales clerk responds --"Ich vil ihr veizen vu tsu geyen - ober ihr muz geyen punkt azoy vi ich key , nor vi ich gey - nisht andres. Kum noch mir un ich vil ihr veisen vu tsu geyen." And he starts down the aisle with the old lady following. him.

Now -- this clerk happens to be very bow-legged, very noticeably bow-legged.

When the old lady spots his bowed legs, she lets out a g'shrey -- "Ven ich ken azoy geyen, volt ich nisht ge'daft kein bebbe pooder! "

Two yidn in Shul

Two yidn are in Shul and they are "davening "

But one of them is looking towards the womens'
sector ,because he saw there a woman that is very attractive.

The other yid says :

Kuk nisht tzu di froien . Dafst davenen .

The other returns to the prayer , but after a while he looks back towards the woman.

His friend is mad at him , and says :

Kuk nisht tzu di froien . HAINT IZ YOM KIPPER!

Then the other answers :

Bai mir in di oizn iz haint SIMJES TOIRE!

The Vampire

Late at night, a woman is woken from her sleep by a bat suddenly swooping into her room through a window.

She watches as the bat transforms itself into a vampire. She grips the pillow tightly, but is too afraid to speak.

The vampire slowly approaches, but as it almost reaches her, the woman suddenly remembers the cross on her night-stand.

She grabs it tightly, holding it out towards the vampire and, in a trembling voice,cries,

"You can't come closer! I have a cross."

The vampire looks the woman in the eye and responds, "Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen!"

C.R. Eldrich

Abe runs into his old friend Hymiein Miami and yells, "Lipshitz, how've you been." Hymie whispers, "My name isn't Hymie Lipshitz any more. I've changed it to C.R. Eldrich." ""Where did you get such a fancy name from," asks Abe. Hymie replies, "Do you remember when we lived on the East Side in new York? I lived on Eldrich Street and alwasys thougt it was a classy name so I took it for myself!" Abe says, "And from where did you get the CR?" Hymie replies, "From the Corner of Rivington!"

Vus titzuch

President Bush calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression :'Vus titzuch?'

The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"

Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

To be a Jew

On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy -- who kept answering her in Hebrew.

And each time the mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!" An impatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew?"

Replied the mother; "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."

Idioms

Two men, moderately proficient in Yiddish, were lamenting the fact that there are Yiddish expressions that you can't translate well into English. Furthermore, there were some English words that cannot not be easily translated into Yiddish. One man said to the other, I have difficulty finding a Yiddish word that adequately conveys the concept of of the English word "disappointed." His friend said, "My mother speaks only Yiddish. I'll find out from her how to say disappointed in Yiddish."

The man goes to his mother's house and say's "Mama, you know that I always come over for Shabbos dinner every Friday night. How would you feel if, one Friday, I called and said I wouldn't be coming over for Shabbos?" The mother replied, "Oy! Ich'll zein zayer disappointed!"

Brand new Chevrolet

Vun day Chaim vas valking down da street. Ven who did he see vas driving a brand new Chevrolet?

It vas Moishe!

Moishe pulled up in front of him vit a vide smile!

Chaim asked, 'Moishe ver did you get dat car?'

'Rochel gave it to me.' said Moishe.

'She gave it to you? Vell I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?' exclaimed Chaim.

'Vell let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on da #6 county road out in da middle ah'novere, and suddenly Rochel pulled of da road into da voods! She parked da car, got out and trew off alla her clothes! And den she said, 'Moishe take vatever you vant!' 'So, I took da car!'.

'Moishe,' Chaim said, 'You are such a smart man, dose clothes voulda never fit ya!'

A Jewish guy comes to Rebbe

A Jewish guy comes to Rebbe:

Rebbe, in my appartment besides me and my wife, there are also my children

and my mother-in-law and I don't have enough room! What should I do?

Rebbe: Bring a goat in the house. Let him live with you.

The guy: But Rebbe, there is no place for me!

Rebbe: Bring a goat in the house, I tell you!

In a month the guy comes again:

Rebbe, it became much worse, there is no place.

With the goat in the appartment there is no place to move.

Rebbe: Now get rid of the goat!

On the next day, guy comes to Rebbe full with happiness:

Thank you, thank you Rebbe. It is so good now, so much space!

The Mikva

A Christian girl in love with a Jewish guy agrees to change her religion. She goes to a Rabbi for instruction.

Rabbi: "You will learn how to light the candles, keep two sets of dishes, keep a kosher home, and a few other simple things."

Girl: "That sounds easy to me. I can do that."

Rabbi: "The last thing is, you must go to a mikva."

Girl: "Mikva, what's that?"

Rabbi: "It's a pool of water and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds."

Girl: "I'm sorry, I have a phobia about putting my head underwater. I'll go in the pool but I can't put my head under water. Will that be all right?"

Rabbi: "That will be okay. You will be mostly Jewish but you will still have a 'Goyisha kup'!!!"

Oy!

Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery.

After a while the first woman sighed, "Oy!" The others sighed sympathetically.

Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!"

The others nodded.

A third woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!"

The others nodded as if in agreement.

Finally, the fourth woman said, "Enough talk about the children. Let's go for a walk!"

266419

An old jewish man with a heavy Yiddish accent Went to hotel in London.

When he got to his room he called the desk and asked to be connected to telephone number 266419.

After about 15 minutes there was a knock on the door, when he opened it, there stood tow young, lovely girls.

What’s this? He asked.

They answered: you asked for tow shickses for one night!!!

The Parrot

A man enters an animal store.

He sees a nice parrot.

The man from the store tells him :

-it is a wonderful parrot... speaks actually in many languages ...

-Oh c'mon ...you'r kidding ...

-No I'm not ..c'mon .try it...speak to him ...

-OK ...let's see ...

parlez vous francais ?

the parrot: oui Monsieur ...

- Let's see

Do you speak English ?

the parrot : Yes Sir!

Habla español ?

the parrot : Si Señor.

(the man smiles and thinks ...ha ha now I will get you parrot... )

Yiddish redstu ?

Vocabulary

1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favourite celebrity is Jewish.

2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas.

4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after ones Bar Mitzvah.

11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.

12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

13. MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius."

14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.

15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you.

16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork