Directions

Avrahom has just been shopping and is walking home down Golders Green High Road carrying lots of parcels when a man comes up to him.
“Excuse me. Do you know where I can find Levy’s bagel bakery?”
Avrahom hands over the parcels he is carrying to the stranger, spreads his arms out as wide as he can, shrugs and replies, “How should I know?”

Marriage etiquette

Naomi had only recently got married and was in Golders Green having a chat with her best friend Becky. Naomi says, "Tell me, Becky, I've forgotten the procedure. When one first gets married, how long should one wait before starting to point out to one's husband what disgusting habits his friends have?"

The good cook

Little Yossi and his family were having dinner at his bubbe's house. When everyone was seated, the food was served. As soon as little Yossi got his plate, he started eating from it right away.

"Yossi, please wait until we say our prayer," said his father.

"I don't have to," Yossi replied.

"Of course you have to," said his mother. "Don’t we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"

"Yes, but that's our house," Yossi explained. "This is bubbe's house and she knows how to cook."

Identification

Rivkah, an elderly lady travelling to London by train, is sitting next to a very distinguished young man reading the Financial Times.
“Excuse me,” she says, “can I ask you something personal? Are you Jewish?”
“No, I’m not,” replies the man.
A few minutes later, Rivkah asks him, “Please, are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
The man replies, “No, I’ve told you I’m not,” and continues to read his paper.
A few minutes later, “Excuse me, are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?”
At that, the man gets quite frustrated and replies, “All right, yes, if you must know. I am Jewish. Now will you leave me alone?”
Rivkah looks at him and says, “Funny, you don’t look Jewish.”

The search party

Nathan and Leah Levy went on holiday to Switzerland. As soon as they arrived, Nathan told Leah that he would go skiing whilst she unpacked.
“Don’t worry about me,” he said, “I’ll be back within 2 hours.”
Three hours later, he still hadn’t returned and Leah was getting very worried. So she rang the Red Cross.
After four hours, a search party, with guides, dogs and army mountaineers, went out looking for Nathan.
As they climbed the slopes, they began calling out, “Mr Levy, Mr Levy, it’s the Red Cross. Where are you Mr Levy?”
When they got to the top of the glacier, they tried one more time, “Mr Levy, where are you? It’s the Red Cross.”
And then they heard a faint voice say, “It’s OK. I’ve given already.”

The flight home

Moishe was travelling back to London on an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served.
"Would you like dinner?" an airhostess asked Moishe.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

The new member

Rivkah had been trying for some time to become a member of a very up-market ‘English’ golf club. Then her husband dies. So Rivah takes elocution lessons, goes to an etiquette class, has her nose altered and changes her surname to Fythe-Smith. It works - she becomes a member.
Unfortunately, at her first golf club dinner, a waiter passing by her table spills a plate of soup over her. Shocked, and especially because she is wearing a rather splendid new gown, Rifka jumps up and shouts, “Oy Vay.”
Then, looking around her, she adds, “Whatever that means.”

The bonding

On her first day in her new job, Christine, a new school teacher, thinks it would be a good idea to try to bond with the children by asking each of them their name and what their father did for a living.
The first little girl replies, "My name is Celina, teacher, and my daddy is a dustman."
The next little boy replies, "I'm Peter and my dad is a gardener."
But the next little boy says, "My name is Moshe, teacher, and my father is a strip-o-gram during the day and works in a gay club at night."
Christine quickly changes the subject.
Later on, in the school playground, Christine quietly goes over to Moshe and asks, "Is it really true what you said about your father, Moshe?"
Moshe blushes and replies, "I'm sorry teacher but he’s a chartered accountant at Arthur Andersen. I was just too embarrassed to say so."

The benefit of Private Medical Insurance

Benjy is getting chest pains and goes to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor says, "There are two different opinions on how best to treat you. I'm convinced that you need a triple bypass heart operation. However, your private medical policy says all you need to do is take this £10 tube of chest ointment and rub it in twice a day."

Benjy the thief

Benjy had been arrested and was now up before the judge. The judge asks, "Do you admit you broke into the same clothes shop 3 times?" "Yes," replies Benjy."Could you please tell the court what you stole." asks the judge. "I stole a dress, your honour," replies Benjy. "Just one dress? But you admitted to breaking in 3 times," says the judge. "Yes I did, your honour," says Benjy, "but on two of those occasions, I broke in to return the dress I took before." "Return the dress? Why? I don’t understand," says the judge. "Because my wife Bette didn't like the design, your honour."

The promise

Shlomo and his wife Sarah are lying in bed one night when Shlomo sidles over to her side of the bed and whispers in her ear, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
Sarah says, "I'll miss you."

The soldiers

Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead. An officer sees this happen and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal.
Later, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule."
Harry says, "It’s not a mule, Benny, it’s a donkey."
As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule," "donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a Rabbi, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement.
The Rabbi looks at the animal and says, "It’s neither a donkey or a mule. According to the bible, it is obviously an ass. Now get back to work."
As they continue to dig, another officer arrives on the scene and asks them, "What are you men digging, a fox hole?"
"No Sir," replies Benny, "not according to the bible."

Sights of London

Yitzhak and Hyman are visiting London for the first time. One day, whilst out sightseeing in Golders Green, they come across two Jews with long beards and dreadlocks, wearing long black coats and wide brimmed hats.

Yitzhak, who’s a bit of a joker, points to them and says to Hyman, "What are they?"

Hyman replies, "Hassidim."

"I see them too," says Yitzhak smiling, "but what are they?"

What’s ethics?

Issy was the proud co-owner of the local dry cleaners. One day, during dinner, whilst he was finishing his chicken soup, his 9year old son Sam asked, "Dad, what’s ethics?"

Issy thought for a while, put down his spoon, looked at Sam and replied, "Okay, let's suppose someone comes into my shop and gives me his business suit to dry clean. Then suppose I find a £20 note in his trouser pocket?"

Sam looked expectantly at his father.

"So," Issy said, "to answer your question, Sam, do I tell my partner I found the money? That's ethics".

The new solicitors

Two solicitors, Levy and Cohen, opened an office in Kilburn. As this was a gentile part of London, they decided to call their firm Christian and Christian in order to attract non-Jewish clients. But on their opening day, they forgot to tell their switchboard operator what to say. When anyone phoned in and asked for Mr Christian, she answered, "Which Christian do you want, Levy or Cohen?"

The poor tailor

Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's kitchen.

One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice. Abe went to see the manager to ask why.

The manager replied, "You’re enjoying my food, so you should pay for it."

Abe refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.

They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it."

The judge then asked Abe, "And what do you have to say about that?"

Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What’s the meaning of that?"

Abe replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

Shame on you

It’s 3am in the morning in Golders Green and Maurice and Golda are woken up by a loud banging on their front door. Maurice gets up and opens the door to a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.

"Can I have a push?" says the drunk.

"No you can’t," says Maurice, "it’s three o’clock in the morning. Please go away, you’ll wake the children."

Maurice shuts the door and goes back to bed.

"Who was that?" asks Golda.

"Just some drunk, dear, asking for a push," Maurice replies.

"So did you help him?" Golda asks.

"No I didn’t. It’s 3am and it’s pouring with rain," replies Maurice.

Golda says, "Shame on you, Maurice. Have you already forgotten when our car broke down about six months ago in Bournemouth and those two men helped us? I think you should help the man outside."

So Maurice reluctantly does as he is told. He gets dressed, goes out into the pouring rain and calls out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" Maurice shouts.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"So where are you?" asks Maurice.

"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.

Door lock

Issy drives his friend Hyman to the shops in Golders Green. As they get out of the car, Issy locks the doors in such a hurry that he forgets to remove the ignition key first.

"Oy vay," says Issy.

"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open the door," says Hyman.

"No, I don’t think that’ll work," replies Issy, "because passers-by will think we're breaking into the car."

"OK," suggests Hyman. We can use a penknife to cut the rubber seal around the driver’s door, then I can stick in a finger and pull out the key."

"No, absolutely not." replies Issy. "Passers-by will think we're stupid for not using a coat hanger,."

"OK," says Hyman, "you’d better think of something else and quick. It's starting to rain and your sun roof’s still open."

Thanks for nothing

One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for £3.99.

"That sounds good," said Sadie, "but I don't want the eggs."

"OK," said the waitress, but I will then have to charge you £4.50."

"Why," asked Shlomo, "it doesn’t make sense.

"Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replied.

"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sadie asked.

"Yes, " replied the waitress.

"OK then, I'll take the special," says Sadie.

"How do you want your eggs done?" asked the waitress.

"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replied.

At the end of the meal, Sadie took the two eggs home.

What’s the time, than?

Yitzhak had just moved into a new flat in Hendon and was out celebrating with his friend Benny. At 2am, he invited Benny back to his flat where they continued to celebrate.

Then Benny said, "Before I go, why not show me around?"

So Yitzhak proudly showed Benny his flat and all the high tech it contained. Then he took Benny into his bedroom where his friend couldn’t help but notice a very large brass gong and hammer on the chest of drawers.

"Is that a dinner gong?" asked Benny.

"It's not really a gong, Benny, it’s more like a talking clock," Yitzhak replied.

"A talking clock? Are you serious?" said Benny.

"Of course," replied Yitzhak.

"So how does it work?" said Benny.

"Watch this," replied Yitzhak, as he picked up the hammer and gave the gong an ear shattering pounding. They stood looking at each other for a moment when suddenly, someone in the flat next door screamed, "Stop that, you inconsiderate oaf. It's quarter to three in the morning."

All change

Mogadishu Yogi is visiting north London. During one of his walks, in full costume and beard, he passes a small snack bar called “Benjy’s Hot Dogs” and as he wants to try everything, he goes into the shop and says, "Make me one with everything."

Benjy goes to work and soon puts together a loaded hot dog. He hands it to the spiritual master who pays him with a £10 note, which Benjy quickly puts into his pocket.

"So," asks Mogadishu Yogi, "where's my change?"

Benjy replies, "Change must come from within."

The examination

Sadie took her husband Bernie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Sadie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."

"I’m not really surprised," Sadie replied, "Bernie’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."

School lunch

It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching." At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies.

Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."

White hair

One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair.

Hannah looked at her mother and said, "Why have you got some white hairs, mummy?"

Her mother replied, "Well darling, every time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her mother’s hairs turns white."

Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, "Mummy, so how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

The art class

Rebecca was a kindergarten teacher. One day, during her art lesson, as she was walking around the class observing the children while they were drawing, she stopped at little Leah’s desk. Leah was working very diligently at her work.

Rebecca said, "What are you drawing, Leah?"

Leah replied, "I'm drawing God, teacher."

Rebecca paused and then said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Leah."

Without looking up from her work, Leah replied, "They will in a minute."

Home efficiency

Hyman was an efficiency expert and at the end of one of his lectures, he concluded with a note of caution. "Please don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked Benny, who was in the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," Hyman explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, oven, table and cupboards, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Darling, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" Benny asked.

"Actually, yes," replied Hyman. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Life’s lesson

Little Sam was out shopping with his mother, something he didn’t like very much. But when they passed a toy store, Sam came to life. He saw a new toy in the window that he didn’t have but wanted. Sam begged, pleaded and nagged but to no avail. He got so rude that his mother firmly said, "I’m very sorry Sam, but we didn’t come out to buy you a toy."

Sam angrily said, "I’ve never met a woman as mean as you."

Holding his hand gently, she replied, "Sam, darling, one day you'll get married and then you will ... you really will, I promise you."

Salesmanship

Moshe worked in an upmarket men’s clothes shop in London. One day, his boss Avrahom returned from lunch and noticed Moshe’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask what happened, Moshe told him that he had some good news to report, "I finally sold that ridiculous suit we've had in stock for such a long time."

"Do you mean that repulsive bright orange-and-blue double-breasted thing?" said Avrahom."

"That's the one!" said Moshe.

"Mazeltov," Avrahom shouted, "I really thought we'd never get rid it - it had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had. But tell me, Moshe, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Simple," Moshe replied, "as soon as I sold the suit to the gentleman, his guide dog bit me."

 

Flying companion

Lionel is flying back to London. He boards his plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a heavy, mean-looking, giant of a man sits next to him and promptly falls asleep.

During the flight, Lionel begins to feel quite sick and wants to go to the toilet, but he's afraid to wake the giant and it would be impossible to climb over him. So Lionel has to sit there trying to decide the best course of action. Suddenly, the plane hits some air turbulence and lurches around for a few seconds. A wave of nausea overcomes Lionel and he is sick all over the giant.

Some time later, the giant awakes and sees the vomit over him.

"So," says Lionel, "are you feeling better now?"

 

The thoughtful juror

When Rivkah was called up for jury service, she asked the judge whether she could be excused.

"I don’t believe in capital punishment," she said, "and I wouldn’t want my views to prevent the trial from running its proper course".

The judge liked her thoughtfulness but had to tell her that she was perfectly suitable to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial, it's just a simple civil lawsuit. Mrs F is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the entire £15,000 he had promised her for her birthday so that she could carry out a make-over on her kitchen."

"OK," said Rivkah, "I'll join your jury - I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."