Meat shortage

A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.

The interviewer asks each, in turn, "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Russian replies, "What's an 'opinion'?"

The Pole replies, "What's 'meat'?"

The American replies, "What's a 'shortage'?"

And the Israeli replies, "What's 'excuse me'?"

As the midwinter flight completes is descent into Tel Aviv, the flight crew announces, "Ladies and Gentelmen, we ask that you remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop, and the pilot turns off the seatbelt sign.
And to those of you who are still seated, Merry Christmas."

The Israeli Workers Union

A certain Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.

"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."

"Hooray!", goes the crowd.

"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."

"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.

"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."

"Hooray!"

"We have a 150% pay rise."

"Hooray!"

"We will only work on Wednesdays."

Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"

A guy is driving around suburban Jerusalem and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"So, you talk?" he asks.
"Yap," the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" asks the man.
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help out. So I told the Mossad about my gift, and in no time at all they had me working flat strap, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and suspected terrorists, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running. But it was exhausting work and really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a less stressful job at Ben Gurion airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a batch of medals. During that time I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. And pretty much, that's it."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never worked for Mossad!"

A man arrives at Ben-Gurion Airport with two large bags.

The customs agent opens the first bag and finds it full with money so he asks the passenger, "How did you get this money?"

The man says, "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe, went into public restrooms, each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said, "donate money to Israel or I will cut-off your testicles."

The customs agent is stunned and mumbles: "well...it's a very interesting story... what do you have in the other bag?"

The man says, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel"...

An American an Indian and an Israeli go out for a meal. The waiter comes over and says I'm sorry but we have a Shortage of meat tonight could you order something else.

The American "whats a Shortage"???
The Indian "whats Meat"???
The Israeli "whats I'm Sorry"??

An Arab desperate for water was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little

old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "I"m dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?

They are only $150. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"

The Jew replied "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."

The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table. The Jew said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!!"

A group of elderly, retired men gather each morning at a cafי in Tel Aviv.

They drink their coffee and sit for hours discussing the world situation.

Given the state of the world, their talks are usually depressing.

One day, one of the men startles the others by announcing, "You know what? I am an optimist."

The others are shocked, but then one of them notices something fishy.

"Wait a minute! If you're an optimist, why do you look so worried?"

"You think it's easy being an optimist?!"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab in his tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.

He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his friend and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredrick Mann, from Philadelphia."

"Really? I've never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check."

Israeli leader Ehud Olmert comes to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their guest.

At the dinner that night, the first course is served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup. George W. looks at this and, after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can’t eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.

The aide says that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn’t at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep’s eye in honor of his Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, swallows, and a grin appears on his face. He finds he really likes it, digs right in, and finishes the whole bowl.

“That was delicious,” George W. says to Olmert. “Do the Jews eat any other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?”

A Texas rancher visits a kibbutz farm in Israel.

After he is shown all the agricultural advances, he tells the Sabra: "I'm real impressed with your farm here, but where I come from, I can drive all day and not reach the other end of my ranch."

The Sabra replies: "I know how you feel. I once had a car like that too!"

A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for
something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like
that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in
the town square.

In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the
Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So
she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is!
So she watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave,
she approaches him for an interview.

"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall
and praying?"

"For about 50 years."

"What do you pray for?"

"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop.
For our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

An old Jewish grandfather was taking care of his two young grandchildren. One of the children asked him how old his grandfather and grandmother were. The grandfather looked at his grandson and sighed.

"We're so old that when we were your age, the Dead Sea was only sick, not dead."

Four guys are standing on a street corner...an American, a Russian, a Chinese man, and an Israeli...
A news reporter comes up to the group and says to them:

"Excuse me...What's your opinion on the meat shortage?"


The American says: What's a shortage?

The Russian says: What's meat?

The Chinese man says: What's an opinion?

The Israeli says: What's "Excuse me"?.....

There were 3 men in the desert. One is Canadian, the other is Iraqi and the third one is Israeli.
They find a genie lamp. The genie grants them 3 wishes, one for each of them. The Canadian says, "My family has always been farmers. I want my land to be very fruitful." The genie grants his wish. The Iraqi says, "I want no infidels to come into my country. I want a big wall all around Iraq." The genie grants his wish too! The Israeli asks the genie, "How high is the wall?" The genie answers 60 feet high. The Israeli says, "fill it with water".

little david comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."

Rabinowitz is coming back to Israel. The customs officer asks him what he has in his heavy suitcase and Rabinowitz responds: "Bird-feed for my parrot." The officer is still suspicious and opens it. It's all coffee! "Didn't you say it was bird-feed for my parrot?" asks the officer. Rabinowitz responds: "If she doesn't eat it, that's her problem."

In Jerusalem, an English female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!

She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Jane Collins from the BBC, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" For about 50 years, he informs her.

"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."

During the Israeli-Arab war, the Arabs were getting slaughtered. Their general called his men together, look men we have to take drastic action. Shoot on sight any Israelis, no questions asked.
It was getting late. A very young Israeli man comes wandering down the path towards the Arab camp.
The Arabs decide to have some fun. Look, we're supposed to execute you but we'll let you go if you pass 3 tests.
There are 3 tents, in the first is a bottle of liquor, which you must drink completely without stopping.
In the second is the Sheik's favorite lion who has had a thorn in his paw for 3 days and no one has been able to get close enough to get it out. You must remove the thorn.
In the third is the Sheik's favorite wife. She has not been happy in a long time. You must satisfy her.
The young man cautiously approaches the first tent, enters and they hear him chugging the entire bottle in one long breath. He stumbles out feebly and on to the next tent.
The Arabs hear nothing but loud roaring and the shredding of fabric. Then dead silence. They are sure he is dead. A few moments later however, the young man emerges unscathed but his clothes are in tatters. He exclaims, "Well I believe that should do it for the Sheik's Favorite Wife -- now where's that Lion with the thorn in his paw?!"

The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean
sends out a MAYDAY message:

"This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

No answer.

A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

Silence.

A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian Air Force #174.
We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

Still no answer.

Finally the captain calls out, "Help! This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East
INCLUDING Israel!"

Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:

"Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help."

"Allah be praised," says the Syrian pilot. "Please give me instructions."

"Do you speak Hebrew?"

"No"

"OK, then repeat after me: Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay Rabbah......"

the president has flown in from texas for an important discussion with the israeli president who is a jew.
the israeli president asks,"would u like some local food?"
mr bush accepts and drinks the manischewitz wine
Bush then offers,"hey would u like a hotdog made from the finest pork products in america?"

The angel, Eliyahu HaNavi, approached God, saying: "See that man over there? Every day, he slips a note in the Wailing Wall, asking to win the first prize in the lottery. Please let him win."
God: "But...."
Eliyahu HaNavi, interrupting: "He's a good man. He deserves to win. He performs many acts of charity."
God: "But..."
Eliyahu HaNavi, interrupting: "Let him win - if not for his sake, then for the sake of his twelve children."
God: "But he never buys a ticket."

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."

"Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.

The interviewer asks each, in turn, "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Russian replies, "What's an 'opinion'?"

The Pole replies, "What's 'meat'?"

The American replies, "What's a 'shortage'?"

And the Israeli replies, "What's 'excuse me'?"

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.

The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you...

When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt, he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water. So, Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.

Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters of the pond.

Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes have been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."

Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!"

"And with that in mind", said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my speech..."